"I love my one child more"
06 Mar 2021Updated: 4 hours ago | people are reading
A mother loves all her children equally, you should say that. But what if it doesn't feel that way deep in your heart? And you actually have much more with your daughter than with your son? This mother confesses how it feels.© Offered by De Telegraaf
“My parents were divorced when I was little and my father was out of the picture when I was growing up. As a result, I have always had a very good relationship with my mother. We had such a good time together. We chatted about anything and everything and found nothing more fun than going into town for shopping. Sometimes we just looked like the Gilmore girls as a couple.
When I got older, I fantasized about becoming a mother. I thought it would be fantastic to have a daughter myself, with whom I would have such a close relationship. Chatting and shopping, cozy together in the kitchen ... All things that mothers and daughters do with each other.
So when I came across the love of my life quite young and got pregnant spontaneously, I was in the seventh heaven. I already saw myself walking with my baby in pink clothes in the pram. I was sure it was going to be a girl. I just felt it.
When I had a fun ultrasound done, I suddenly heard something completely different; I was probably expecting a boy. I could not restrain myself and expressed my deep disappointment, much to the horror of the sonographer. I secretly kept a bit of hope that he had seen it wrong, but the doctor also really saw a boy on the twenty-week ultrasound.
I could not control my emotions when I heard that. Tears ran down my cheeks. And those weren't tears of happiness, as the doctor thought.
When our son was born, my husband was the proudest father you can imagine. I was happy for him, but I couldn't be myself. No matter how bad I thought that. I felt everything - sadness, anger, guilt - but no joy. The pink clothes I bought when I was just pregnant were left unused in the box.
As my son grew up, I have grown to love him. A lot in fact. It's a fun, social kid and he does well in school. But I don't feel the bond my husband has with him. I don't like rough games and I don't like playing football. I don't understand the jokes they have together.
I love seeing that they share that humor, but I can't share it. I give him all the attention, take care of him, hug him, but it doesn't come naturally that love. What I feel guilty about again.
"If I had a daughter, I would probably be a much nicer mother," I sometimes thought. Why wasn't it given to me? Then I took the pink clothes out of the baby box again to look at it and dream about how it could have been. And then I felt so sad.
That the second turned out to be a girl was so wonderful. A fulfillment of all my wishes. The entire pregnancy was like a dream. From the moment I heard I was going to have a girl until delivery, I was sitting on that pink cloud.
Rather than brother
My girl is still a little too small to participate in all the fun things that I have fantasized about for years, but I already notice that she reacts very differently from her brother. She prefers, is calmer and listens better. Her brother always hangs around his father's neck, but she only has eyes for me. And how wonderful it is to shop for her and put her in nice clothes! Her closet is full of sweet skirts and dresses.
I dare not think about what would have happened if I had a boy again. I probably had started a special procedure with a third party to determine the sex. I've read about that. As I write all this down, I feel guilty again about my oldest child, but I am sure there are more mothers who will recognize this. They just dare not admit it ... ”
The Confessed section is based on true stories. This article previously appeared on Vrouw.nl.