"I really hate my husband once in a while"

15 May 2021Updated: 4 hours ago | 52 people are reading

"When I met my husband twenty years ago, he was a calm and thoughtful man. In the meantime, a major depression has been found behind his calm nature. This depression stems from his childhood: his parents drank a lot, often argued and belittled their son. Very sad of course, but my husband's depression also completely drains me. I am ashamed to say it, but because of his depressive behavior I sometimes really hate him.

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Besides the fact that he feels miserable, he also has no work anymore. He worked in construction, but was fired "due to" his illness. We are only entitled to unemployment benefit for a few months, after which we go into social assistance. I can't work either: my husband wants me all the time. On the other hand, I am also afraid that he will harm himself when I am gone. And that while he gets a lot of help. Everyone is committed to him and he is also assisted by a psychologist. Nonetheless, he remains melancholy and I am gradually getting to my feet.

Sad mood

When my husband became depressed, now more than three years ago, I started to study his illness. I have read dozens of books about depressed people. Most of them already have trouble getting out of bed and you don't have to push them to do something. I sometimes look like a psychologist myself. Although I often have the feeling that I am being dragged into his sad mood.

If I propose to go for a walk, he never wants to go. The fact that our two daughters are in puberty makes it even more difficult. They don't always act nice to their father and the bad thing is that I understand that somewhere. He will never do anything fun with them and he is always negative. I cannot talk about it with others, because in my area they find my husband pathetic and they say that I should be happy that I am not depressed myself.

Divorce

I don't divorce an option. I still love my husband very much. But if I see him sitting as if the suffering of the whole world is on his shoulders, I would like to shake him up. Wanting to shout at him to do his best for his family. But I never do that.

I do try to talk to him when the children are in bed. I calmly and understandingly point out to him the happiness that slowly slips out of our hands in this way, but those words seem to be deaf. At that moment I get a bigger dislike for him. I comfort myself with the thought that someday he will be better. Although I am increasingly questioning that. "

The VROUW section" Confessed "is based on true stories.