"If only I had never given in to his desire to have children"
05 Mar 2021Updated: 4 hours ago | people are reading
"Actually, I wish I could turn back the clock. That I had thought better. My husband was always the one with a desire to have children, I didn't have one myself. Still I admitted. Now that our son has arrived, I know that I should never have started with it. ”© Hollandse Hoogte Consciously childless
“ My husband's wish for children was there from the moment it got serious between us. I cherished my free life myself. I loved crawling on the couch after work, not having to take care of anyone. Enjoyed eating out together or going to the movies, and didn't feel like giving up on that little worm of the two of us together.
During those early years he understood that. Then we saw a screaming child throwing a jar of apple sauce in the supermarket and we looked at each other with a laugh: "Not yet!" I just "forgot" to tell him that instead of "just not" I actually never thought.
More and more friendly couples had a baby. I enjoyed going to a maternity visit, even wanted to hold such a freshly born aapy for a while, but it didn't make my ovaries rattle. On the contrary. I especially saw how exhausted those friends looked, how stressed they reacted to the screeching screams of their children. But my friend was always on a pink cloud after such a visit.
He started to insist. We didn't have time forever, he thought (he's five years older than me and didn't want to start a family until he was 40). It made me nervous. At one point he even had a crying fit. Becoming a father was the most important thing to him, he said.
My husband in tears, I found that difficult. And I started to have doubts. I also gave him a child. Maybe I should just go with his wish, it would make him so happy. Maybe I just needed a little longer. Happiness would grow parallel to my expanding belly. And then I would no longer understand what was holding me back from welcoming a child into my life.
Our son is three years old now. He plays, grows, discovers, messes with spinach, and loves Fireman Sam. He is also a real father's child. And the latter is - I'm sure - because he feels that his mother doesn't have much with him.
Of course, I can see that he is a sweet child. But that pink cloud never came to me. I hated being pregnant. When he was a baby of a few days, I feared for the first time that I would never change. That I would never really like children.
During the first few months, I convinced myself that I am just not such a baby mother. That I would have more with a talking, soccer-playing child. Well, now he talks like the best, kicks balls too (mainly with his father). But the feeling doesn't change.
I miss my friends. How I miss sleeping in on the weekend. I long for a two-person vacation, but my husband doesn't want that. A relaxed weekend, an extensive drink or an extensive cooking together - that's just not there anymore. I hate when I have to go to the nursery after work and he is screaming in his car seat, while I am also tired of dogs. When he is annoying in the supermarket, I think back nostalgically to those years when screaming children were also a reason for my husband to put a family on hold.
I should have followed my heart, even though I might have lost my husband. I shouldn't have given in because he wanted so bad, because even though I love my son, care continues to feel like an exhausting obligation.
The worst thing, I think, is my man feels my regret, although he never addresses it. It remains silent reproach. Recently our son was sitting between the door with his fingers. Scream, scream, inconsolable. Although I thought that was pathetic, my first reaction was rather snappy: "Don't go away from that door, I have said that so many times?"
My husband put his arms around our son, the snotty face on his shoulder. While he was in such an embrace, he looked straight at me. Then he turned his eyes reproachfully. Everything about him radiated: what a worthless mother you are. His disappointment really cuts through my soul. ”
The Confessed section is based on true stories. This story previously appeared on VROUW.nl.